Critique my B&G wedding script

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Chuck Amstone

Active Member
I'm trying to reach further with my service and started writing a small bio about the B&G.

I didn't get much info but here's what i have so far.

Constructive feedback is appreciated.

1. He is a cameraman for ESPN sports. She is an elementary School teacher. Both are from Cleveland, Ohio but met each other here in Florida through a mutual friend. There first date was on the official start to the NFL season so they decided to meet a local sports venue that showed the Cleveland browns game. Brian and Stephanie enjoyed each others company so much… that she left with Brian on the back of his motorcycle. They continued dating AND getting together every Sunday for the Browns game. Then one day…a Monday to be exact….Brian who was scheduled to go out of town and miss sharing his birthday with the one he loved…..asked Stephanie to come to the beach to watch the sunset. She said yes. While enjoying the sunset together….They decided to take a walk into the water when this happened….. Brian had stepped onto a sharp object! Faking….He pretended he had cut his foot on a shell…so… he kneeled down to remove the object from his foot. As he rose back up to the surface, he carefully pulled out an engagement ring that he had hidden from his pocket, carefully placed it on Stephanie hand “so he wouldn’t lose it” and asked her …..Will You Marry Me? She said YES! Ladies & Gentleman….Brian & Stephanie Saks
 

skeeter

New Member
Chuck, I try to stay away from ladies and gentlemen, I say family and friends. We typically introduce the wedding party then go to the first dance.

With the info you have there, I typically make a video where I tape the bride and groom separately, telling the story, and edit the story together and play during the cake cutting, toast time frame. The differences in perspective from both of them is priceless.
 

Chuck Amstone

Active Member
Chuck, I try to stay away from ladies and gentlemen, I say family and friends. We typically introduce the wedding party then go to the first dance.

With the info you have there, I typically make a video where I tape the bride and groom separately, telling the story, and edit the story together and play during the cake cutting, toast time frame. The differences in perspective from both of them is priceless.
Great idea!!

I assume you taped them well ahead of the event.
 

skeeter

New Member
Yes, I did. It gave me time to edit. My philosophy is when it comes to my voice, less is more. You can even do the tired Barbie and Ken this way and have some fun with it. Something you could charge a premium for as well.
 

NickyB

Gear and Equipment Moderator
OK Chuck, I've corrected the spelling and the grammar with a few minor changes -

1. He is a cameraman for ESPN sports. She is an elementary school teacher. Both are from Cleveland, Ohio but met here in Florida through a mutual friend. Their first date was on the official start to the NFL season, so they decided to meet at a local sports venue that was showing the Cleveland Browns game. Stephanie and Brian enjoyed each other's company so much, that she left with Brian on the back of his motorcycle. Their dating continued with getting together every Sunday for the Browns games. Then one Monday, Brian who was scheduled to go out of town and miss sharing his birthday with the one he loved, asked Stephanie to come to the beach to watch the sunset. She said yes and while enjoying the sunset together, they decided to take a walk into the water when something happened. Brian had stepped on a sharp object! Faking, he pretended he had cut his foot on a shell. He kneeled down to remove the object from his foot and as he rose back up, he carefully pulled out an engagement ring that was hidden in his pocket, then carefully placed it on Stephanie's hand so he wouldn’t lose it, then asked "Will You Marry Me?" She said YES! I ask everyone to please rise and welcome with a lot of love, Stephanie and Brian Saks
 
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bill_smith

MobileBeat Moderator
Staff member
Chuck, my take, with best wishes. I do think that there is not enough detail to flesh out the time between dating and proposal. I've embellished a tad to demonstrate the fill in I think it needs. I hope you like it. For me, the real key in doing these is to capture the room so completely that you can hear a pin drop. fill it with passion and pride, and they will follow.



Brian is a cameraman for ESPN sports. Stephanie is an elementary school teacher. To illustrate exactly how small the world really is, They live in the same town, Cleveland, Ohio but met here in Florida through a mutual friend.

(it would be cool if you mentioned that mutual friend if they are there, and perhaps explain how that happened)

For their first date, they decided to meet at a local sports venue showing the Cleveland Browns game to kick off the official start to the NFL season.

Brian and Stephanie hit it off right away, and enjoyed each other's company so much, that she actually left the venue with Brian on the back of his motorcycle. They continued to see each other by getting together every Sunday for the Browns games.

As their bonds of friendship deepened, it was very clear to Brian that he felt more and more that he could not face a life without his best friend as a permanent part of it. And so, on the occasion of his birthday, rather than travel away and miss being with Stephanie, he decided to stay in town and share the day with the one he loved, and set his plan into action.

He asked her to go to the beach that day and enjoy the sunset. Finding an opportune moment to stumble over an object in the water and pretend to be hurt, he kneeled down to remove this "object" from his foot. As he did, he carefully pulled out the engagement ring that he had carried in his pocket all day long, having found just the right moment to spring his plan into action.

As he grasped her hand, he placed the ring on her finger and asked "Will You Marry Me?"

And of course....she said YES. And so today, it simply serves to show how interconnected we are, when the
chance meeting of two soulmates in Florida brings us all here to celebrate the beginning of a beautiful, exciting fun filled life.

Stand with me now, and greet the happiest couple in the state of Florida,

Stephanie and Brian Saks !!!"


Yours Chuck, with all my best wishes, love and respect my friend.

One last thing, which Im sure you know. If they are from Cleveland, their national anthem is "Hang on Sloopy", played at every OSU game ever palyed since the song came out. The contingent from Ohio will definitely want that played, and you will have a crazed dance floor. Kerry McCullough from Final Touch gave me that intell, many years ago.

PS play those snippets during their first dance. bring the music down and bring the snippets up, then reverse course when they finish speaking.
 

RFrong

Active Member
Brian is a cameraman for ESPN sports. Stephanie is an elementary school teacher. To illustrate exactly how small the world really is, They live in the same town, Cleveland, Ohio but met here in Florida through a mutual friend.

(it would be cool if you mentioned that mutual friend if they are there, and perhaps explain how that happened)

For their first date, they decided to meet at a local sports venue showing the Cleveland Browns game to kick off the official start to the NFL season.

Brian and Stephanie hit it off right away, and enjoyed each other's company so much, that she actually left the venue with Brian on the back of his motorcycle. They continued to see each other by getting together every Sunday for the Browns games.

As their bonds of friendship deepened, it was very clear to Brian that he felt more and more that he could not face a life without his best friend as a permanent part of it. And so, on the occasion of his birthday, rather than travel away and miss being with Stephanie, he decided to stay in town and share the day with the one he loved, and set his plan into action.

He asked her to go to the beach that day and enjoy the sunset. Finding an opportune moment to stumble over an object in the water and pretend to be hurt, he kneeled down to remove this "object" from his foot. As he did, he carefully pulled out the engagement ring that he had carried in his pocket all day long, having found just the right moment to spring his plan into action.

As he grasped her hand, he placed the ring on her finger and asked "Will You Marry Me?"

And of course....she said YES. And so today, it simply serves to show how interconnected we are, when the
chance meeting of two soulmates in Florida brings us all here to celebrate the beginning of a beautiful, exciting fun filled life.

Stand with me now, and greet the happiest couple in the state of Florida,

Stephanie and Brian Saks !!!"


.
Here is the story of Buckeye Love. It is the story of an ESPN Camerman and an elementary school teacher from the same town, who had to travel 2000 miles before finding each other in Florida.

"...on the back of his motorcycle."...Stephanie's first indication of how crafty Brian can be was when he came up with the idea of using the Cleveland Brown's schedule as an excuse to see Stephanie every Sunday so they could enjoy the games together. Stephanie, being the smarter of the two, saw through his clever charade...but went along with it because she thought it was a good idea too.

"more and more that he could not face"...a lifetime of Brown's losses without his best friend by his side to wipe away those tears. In ((his birthday month)), as a birthday present to himself....

"...and set his"...cunning "plan into action.

"...pulled out the engagement ring" that had been burning a hole in his pocket. ((pause)) He was now committed.

"all day long, having found just the right moment to spring his plan into action. " - Strike this, it's clutter...and using the phrases "right moment" and "plan into action" are redundant since they were already used in this paragraph. The story won't lose anything.

"As he grasped her hand, he placed the ring on her finger" and without hesitation" asked "Will You Marry Me?" ((emphasize each word)).

"brings us all here" to this room. This unforgettable place "to celebrate the" next chapter "of a beautiful, exciting fun filled life" story.

"Stand with me now, and greet the happiest" Buckeyes "in the state of Florida,

Stephanie and Brian Saks !!!"

________________

I love this story. My suggestions are about capitalizing on a unique property of the story...the Ohioness...and using it as a bookend. Doing so, offers the opportunity to inject mild humor into an emotional moment. Humor is an emotion too, and it will only enhance the impact of the more serious moments. I also chose to poke a little fun at the groom...but he is redeemed when he asks "without hesitation".

I also felt the story needed more descriptive words and adjectives...salt & pepper if you will.

Great job, thanks for bringing this script to us and allowing this exercise.
 

RFrong

Active Member
Stephanie and Brian Saks !!!"
One more note...formality would dictate the man's name to come first.

Another reason to go with "Brian & Stephanie Saks" is that this will be one of the very first times that she will get hear her new name "Stephanie Saks" announced.
 

BBBuffalo

Active Member
Chuck, what's the purpose?
When will this be said? Is this the introduction?
What will have happened just before this, what happens next?
Where are the bride and groom during this?

I ask all that, not so much to get you to answer but to have you consider why you're doing it, and then see if what you've done fits your purpose and goal?

Also WWWDD - What would Walt Disney do? I recently saw a special on him and how many people said he was "the" master story teller. Instead of several minutes of film where Bambi finds his mom dying, Walt simply had Bambi's father say "your mother can't be with you any more" and then as they walked away, Bambi paused and looked back.

It was "less is more" and done so to enhance the experience for the audience.
 
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